It's Halloween! Put on Your Mean Mommy Costume!

 
It's almost that time! If you celebrate Halloween, you know how excited and out of control the kiddos can get. You have to rein them in a little, or Bad Things could happen, and I'm not talking about ghosts and ghouls. Here are some Mean Mommy tips for a safe Halloween:

Be safe. Wear something light-colored or reflective, even if the kiddos don't think it's cool. Their costumes won't look so great with tread marks on them. Have them wear layers under their costumes to stay warm. They will complain, but unless they are going as Eskimos, it's better than wearing coats over their costumes. Take a flashlight. The front door may have a light over it, but the rest of the porch or the yard might be dark. You might step in something, um, scary.

Choose a safe costume. You know those old masks that used to come with costumes? The ones where the eyes, nose and mouth never lined up right and it was impossible to see and breathe easily at the same time? Thankfully, those aren't standard anymore, but an ill-fitting costume can still be problematic. Like if you bought one that is two or three sizes too big, just because it was on the clearance rack last year. If the costume is so long that your child has to hold it up in order to walk, you might want to shorten it. (Try using a fabric tape)  If it has a hat that falls down over your kid's face, pin it up (otherwise, you'll end up carrying it all night. Or wearing it yourself). Could it get stuck in someone's shrubbery? That could end up being an unexpected trick...

Insist on good manners. Have your kids say "trick or treat" and "thank you". Don't let them push other kids aside in a frenzy to get more candy. Be sure that they don't trample someone's yard or knock over decorations.

Say "no". This has happened to the kiddo am me several times: we go to a house for trick-or-treating only to find out (the hard way--gag, cough) that the person who lives there is a smoker. Do you really want candy that has been permeated with cigarette smoke? Toss the candy, or better yet, skip the house if you know it's a smoker's house. Of course, that's not the only bad scenario; if you encounter anything that looks sketchy, by all means cut your losses and leave.

Know when to go home. The official hours for trick-or-treating are 6 to 8 in most places, but if your child is getting tired or has so much candy it's getting too heavy to carry, it's time to call it a night.

Halloween is Fun Until Someone's an A******

Don't be an a****** on Halloween! If you have to go for the "trick" instead of the "treat", don't ruin a kid's fun. In other words, if you are so desperate that you need to steal a pumpkin, don't steal a little kid's. That's what happened to a woman in D.C., as detailed in this article that appeared in the Huffington Post, to which the parent of the wronged child replied (for everyone to see):

To the person who stole my son’s pumpkin:
Thank you for the life lesson. This will teach him that sometimes people are mean for no reason and you have to just brush it off.
Because my son is 2-yrs-old and cannot read this sign, I will add:
You are an a‐‐‐‐‐‐‐.

 Shaming the pumpkin thief! I love it! I could see myself doing this...

Candy Tax

Halloween is coming! This Thursday is trick-or-treating! However, many of the festivities have already started: the kiddo has been to three Halloween parties and a costume parade. So much sugar has passed through our doors, it is enough to make a dentist see dollar signs. Seriously, the kiddo already has more candy than she can eat, and she is gearing up to hit our neighborhood hard on Thursday night. In anticipation of a potential sugar overload, I have proposed the dreaded Candy Tax to the kiddo.

What is the Candy Tax? In our household, it is going to be something like this: for every 3 pieces of candy the kiddo gets, her daddy or I will take 1. Now, some of it--the good stuff (Reese's Peanut Butter Cups--yes!)--we get to eat, but the crappy stuff will go straight to the trash. Long gone are the days when hubby and I could pillage the kiddo's  stash without her realizing it, but that doesn't mean that either one of us has lost a sweet tooth. Nothing is certain but death and taxes, right? It's not too early to start teaching this important lesson to the kiddo!

(Seriously, enough is enough, and we will soon be past that point!)

La La LAAAA

Sometimes songs with questionable lyrics get on the radio. The truly offensive words get bleeped or blurred out, but sometimes a few slightly objectionable words get through. Then there are those songs you have in their unedited form that are OK except for just one choice word, and it's frustrating to have to skip the song just because of one or two seconds of bad language.

What can you do (other than skip the song)?

Best option: turn the volume down for a few seconds so that your kids don't hear the offensive word. This works if you know the song well and have a quick hand.

Or, you could always just sing along and insert a different word that sounds similar and somehow fits contextually. This reminds me of that scene from Pretty Woman where Julia Roberts and Richard Gere are at the opera...

JR:"It was so good I almost peed my pants!"
Easily offended elderly lady: What?
RG: "She said it was better than Pirates of Penzance"

In other words, your kids aren't gonna know.

However, when you can't think on your feet fast enough, there's always the sudden allergic reaction:
Cover any questionable language with a series of coughs and sneezes. 

Confession: I am a Green Day fan. There is a song, "Horseshoes and Handgrenades" which starts out with the line, "I'm not f*****g around". It is on my iTunes, which, one time, hubby had on shuffle. Suddenly, I heard the guitar intro to the song and I knew I had mere seconds to protect the kiddo's innocent ears from that word. So, I ran for the computer, but I wasn't sure I would make it. With no time to spare, I yelled out a primal ahhhhhhh as loudly as I could, and hit the mute button. The kiddo thought I was crazy. That is up for debate, but one thing is for sure: I'm not f*****g around, either.

Well, This Bites!

Dentists know how to make time in their chair less frightening for kids. Maybe even fun, which is good, because we all know that good dental hygiene is important for overall health. (You did know that, right?) Dentists and hygienists work hard to help kids realize this. Moms, too, work hard to get kiddos to take care of their teeth, but are often ignored. My own kiddo brushes and flosses, but half the time she does a half-baked job.

Mean Mommy K has been after her son, N, to brush his teeth, day after day. Sometimes she has checked his teeth only to find that they weren't very clean at all. Her husband has tried to get N to brush better, one time right before a dental appointment. Hubby dropped the ball. N was in the dentist's chair, and his checkup was less than stellar. The hygienist made that clear, then proceeded to scrape away all the tartar (and explain how it had hardened) on one tooth so that N could compare that tooth to the rest of them. Wake-up call! N promised to do better and take better care of his teeth.

Mom deserves kudos for trying, but it was really the hygienist's example that made the most impact. Once again, we are reminded that in some cases, a neutral third party is the key to getting our kids to cooperate.

If I Had Bad Manners, I Would Have Totally Said This

Here are some of the totally inappropriate responses that were going through my head as K, the Bad Mannered Mommy told her story:

• Uh-oh, my Yankee finger is starting to twitch! (referring to the middle finger, of course)
• The war has been over for almost 150 years. We're in the 21st century now. Duh.
• Excuse me, I need to cut up a rug and make a valise.
• You really don't get irony, do you?
• Since I'm from Pennsylvania, you'll understand if I call you a b***h.
• I hope your son marries a Yankee.

Bad Mannered Mommy

In the middle of a conversation about the decline of manners, K jumped in and shared how she, a homeschool mom, made it a point to teach her children manners and etiquette as well as academic subject matter. I was on board with the head nods and the good-for-yous until K shared an anecdote about an acquaintance of hers, who displayed terrible manners. What happened: K's friend objected to being called "ma'am" by an African-American cashier, and told him that he wasn't her slave and didn't have to address her that way. Wow. Just wow.

First, it seems like maybe the woman in question (a) resents being called "ma'am" instead of "miss"; (b) feels guilty about some latent racist feelings; or (c) needs to work on her social skills...or maybe (d) all three. However, in the telling of this story, what struck me was not the inappropriate outburst, but rather the way K prefaced it: the reason behind this rude outburst is that the woman is a Yankee (said with a sneer). Oh, and by the way, K's ten-year-old son was there with her. So, it seems that in addition to reading, writing, 'rithmatic and manners, K is teaching her children that it is OK to make generalizations about people based on their origins, and that it's acceptable to disparage someone based on where they are from. Yes, that boy will hold the door open for you, but if you are a Yankee*, he will be sneering at you as you pass through. However, the truly sad thing here is that, even though we are living in the 21st century, K still categorizes people by their origins. OK, we can't control what goes on in other peoples' heads, but it's ironic that, for all her prattling on about teaching her kids good manners, she failed to display them herself.

Maybe part of the reason K's sneering condemnation irritated me is because I'm from Pennsylvania. However, her obvious antipathy toward Northerners gave me pause. Most people display that amount of venom when talking about a rival school, or a different political party. I held my tongue and didn't address her critique in front of her son, but I was thinking a non-stop stream of things I would have liked to say.  (You'll get to read them in a separate post, up soon!)


*The term "Yankee", as used in the southern United States, generally refers to someone from the following states: Connecticut, Maine, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, Rhode Island and Vermont, New Jersey, New York and Pennsylvania.