We went on an unexpected guilt trip the other day!
When I picked the kiddo up from school, it wasn't raining, but I had my umbrella anyway, just in case. Well, wouldn't you know it, as we headed home, it started to rain, starting off as a sprinkle but quickly changing into a steady downpour.
If you have ever shared an umbrella with a short person, you know that the taller of the two needs to be the one holding the umbrella. Otherwise, it just doesn't work, because the taller of the two inevitably gets whacked with the umbrella, and still ends up wet.
For some reason, the harder the rain became, the slower the kiddo seemed to walk. Surely I was imagining it, because, really, who wants to be caught in a cold rain? We were halfway home (which we can normally cover in just a few minutes) when the kiddo started complaining that she was getting wet and trying to grab the umbrella. I reminded her that I wasn't exactly staying dry, either, but if we hurried up, we could make it home without getting too soggy.
At this point, only my boots, the cuffs of my pants, and my right sleeve were wet--salvageable with a hair dryer, right? However, the kiddo viewed walking in the rain as the end of the world. We were in the home stretch, so I handed the kiddo the umbrella and told her I would run the rest of the way. Now, I wasn't abandoning her--we were cutting through the neighbors' yard, like we always do. She knows them, and has no problem cavorting on their property any other day. Plus, we were right next to our own house.
That was when the real water works began. The kiddo stopped, crying, and called for me to come back. I ducked under a (way too scraggly tree) and told her to cut through the yard. She wanted me to wait. I told her to come to the tree and we would run the rest of the way together. No dice. The tree wasn't offering me much protection, and now I was drenched. I gave up, and stood there, in the rain, as hot tears of frustration threatened to mix with the rain pelting my face. I had to teach a class in a few hours, and my nice outfit was ruined, and my hair was soaking wet. We trudged home together, the kiddo still fairly dry under the umbrella.
The kiddo and I usually unpack her book bag and lunch box together as she tells me about her day. This time, though, she had to do it alone as I cleaned myself up. This was not to her liking, and she let me know it. I stopped her complaining by standing in front of her and asking her one pivotal question: "Which one of us is soaking wet and miserable?" She hung her head and unpacked.
She felt guilty, all right! She needed to learn that she she can't expect people (even me!) to accommodate her at their own expense. I let the kiddo know that I was disappointed with her decision, because it looked like she didn't care that I was wet and miserable. She made it up to me by cooperating with me the rest of the day, so yes, I think she realizes that her actions affect others. (And that even mom gets wet when standing still in the rain.)
According John M. Grohol, Psy.D., "guilt is trying to get our attention so that we can learn
something from the experience. If we learn from our behavior, we’ll be
less likely to do it again in the future". The kiddo has a strong reaction to guilt: she sulks and won't look at me. So while I am less than impressed with the kiddo's less-than-stellar spelling test, I choose to use guilt only when the kiddo's actions affect someone else.
http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2007/11/27/5-tips-for-dealing-with-guilt/
For a moment, I was torn. An almost overwhelming desire to shower my kiddo with sweet expressions of adoration--that is, Easter candy--almost took over while I was in Kroger this morning. Fortunately, I came to my senses before buying too much candy.
Even a Mean Mommy can be tricked by consumerism, that urge to prove your worth/love/social standing by buying more, more, more.
Easter used to be a primarily Christian holiday, with some pagan aspects thrown in to keep the kids happy. Now, however, Easter is a spring event, and, as such, has become a candy holiday. (Hey, it happens. You can even find chocolate "coins" for St. Patrick's Day. What does that have to do with driving the snakes out of Ireland? Stick with potatoes and beer, people. But I digress...)
It doesn't end with the candy, though. Oh, no. Look at any pre-made Easter baskets, and you will find a lot of non-candy items (meaning toys) as well. Easter as just a religious or candy holiday is over. Now parents are pressured to give their kids yet another stuffed bunny plus a plethora of other toys in addition to candy for Easter.
I can't do it! I faltered in the candy aisle, but I won't cave to pressure. OK, not too much. One bunny, a few Reese's Peanut Butter Cups in the pretty pastel wrappers, some jelly beans...and that's all the candy (at least from hubby and me). Throw in some bubbles and we can call it a day, right? Why bubbles? Because bubbles must be played with outside, and there's sure to be some running around involved in chasing them.
Except...the devil on my one shoulder is telling me that other mommies are giving their kids huge, ginormous Easter baskets overflowing with goodies because they love their kids so much. I must do the same or the kiddo will think I don't love her as much.
On my other shoulder, though, sits the angel who is calmly reminding me about high fructose corn syrup, saturated fats, and artificial everything else.
So I'm going to stop with the obsessing over candy and toys, and make some "coupons" for the kiddo for over Spring Break, which comes directly after Easter. The coupons are going to be for fun things she and I can do together to keep us busy, and to keep us active. That way we can work off the Easter candy in no time!
When the kiddo goes back to school after Spring Break, will she be envious of her friends and classmates who received loads of stuff? Probably. Will she be healthier? Eh, maybe. Will I feel good about my decision? I should, but it depends on that devil on my shoulder...
Kids and cell phones...when is a kid ready for one? Ask my kiddo, who has seen someone go on YouTube to bring up "Gangnam Style" on their phone, or play "Angry Birds" and she will tell you that she needs a phone right now.
I don't have a smart phone, but my kiddo knows that I have her friends' parents' numbers magically stored away in mine and at the ready in case I want to call them to set up a play date. I can also text on my phone, which serves the same purpose and lets her see cute pix sometimes. So, in the kiddo's mind, she needs a phone.
Ummm...no.
Even friends of mine who have older kids complain that their kids are on their phones too much instead of interacting with the family. One friend's teenage son took 30 minutes away from his phone in order to drive a short stretch of a family road trip, then had to take even longer to "catch up on his correspondence".
While some kids--old enough to be responsible with a phone but not yet old enough to drive--may need phones to call mom or dad for a ride, a 7-year-old just doesn't.
The kiddo's BFF sees her older sisters on their phones and asks when she is going to get one...the answer? Her mom will get her a phone when I get one for my kiddo.
(Oh, kids, moms always get the last laugh!)
As I've mentioned before, I like to gently encourage appropriate behavior, rather than shout out orders like a drill sergeant (although I can do the drill sergeant thing quite effectively, thank you very much). My kiddo is used to this, and almost always responds the way I want her to. Today, however, I had to use this technique on her friend...
The friend in question was visiting and had to use the bathroom. I heard a flush, and then exactly one second later, I heard a hand on the bathroom door!
It's just not possible to wash one's hands that quickly, or even use hand sanitizer. I could just see the microbes swirling around on everything between the bathroom door and the door to the outside. I had to decide what was more important, being a cool, laid back mom or household sanitation.
OK, there was zero deliberation. I called out, "You are going to wash your hands, right?" and received a disgruntled "yeah" in response. One swipe of the doorknob with disinfectant, and everything was all right.
Wash your hands, people!
Last night, I was on the computer when I heard the familiar clinking of the sugar spoon against the glass of the sugar bowl. Interestingly, that was about the time that the kiddo was getting ready to enjoy some fruit tea. I said, "I know that's not my kiddo getting into the sugar without washing her hands first", and got up to peer around the corner into the kitchen. What did I see? A rear view of my kiddo running out of the room. Then, I heard the sound of water running in the bathroom!
This method is so much better than yelling out "Don't touch the sugar if you haven't washed your hands first!". A gentle reminder of my expectations is usually enough to keep the kiddo on the right track (unless she is feeling particularly rebellious).
However, recently the kiddo has tried using this technique on me. She has said things like "I know you are going to get my tea now, right?" Whenever she does this, I have to chuckle and remind her "You know that doesn't work on me, right?"
So, about yesterday's post...what on earth could have led to my deliberations on the the word "stupid"? Well...
As I have griped about before in my posts Why Did the Mean Mommy Cross the Road? and Mean Mommy vs Stupid Driver, I have a problem with drivers who don't slow down when I am walking the kiddo to school.
The other day, the kiddo picked up on my frustration when multiple drivers refused to even slow down as we were waiting for a chance to cross the street on our way to school in the morning. She picked the strongest word out of her arsenal--you guessed it--stupid, even though I didn't use that word myself. As I mentioned, I think that word is pretty tame. It's not even a curse word at all, but then, some people seem to feel that way about the "F" word. Fine. I don't want my kiddo to be known as the 1st grade potty mouth, so I decided to nip that in the bud.
"No, honey. Their problem isn't that they are stupid. Their problem is that they are rude, inconsiderate, definitely NOT concerned about safety and completely unaware of the rule that pedestrians have the right of way."
Distracted driving is a serious hazard. Not stopping for pedestrians on school property is not acceptable--even when there isn't a crosswalk.
OK, f*** it. Maybe they're just stupid.
Sooner or later, you will have to have the talk with your kids about Bad Words. One word you might have to address could be the 'S' word. My sister in law, when told that her son had uttered "the 'S' word" had to stop and clarify, "Um, we are talking about 'stupid', right?"
"Stupid" hasn't been much of an issue for us, but my kiddo knows that it is a dangerous word to use. She will preface any usage of that word with a disclaimer: "I'm sorry but I have to say it...". I think that is the 6-year-old version of "Pardon my French".
It seems that "stupid" is the cool bad word right now for elementary school students. Sure, there are times when you can get away with it, but most of the time, it isn't appropriate. Even so, you know that everyone (and his little brother) is using it.
Sometimes, people rely too much on a cuss word. Hey, the 'F' word (and its variations) can function as a verb, noun, adverb, adjective...When a word starts coming out of your mouth just about every other sentence, it's time to search your vocabulary for something a bit more descriptive. If your child thinks that everything is stupid, it may be time for an intervention.
But, is "stupid" really so bad? In my opinion, yes and no. Both. Yes, I'm wobbling here. It's a lot less offensive than a lot of words out there (the "no" part), but the way it is used, it can carry the same amount of vitriol as &%#$^*@ $!@#%$^&?: ! In that sense, yes, it is.
I don't think that "stupid" should be used to convey dissatisfaction or annoyance with something or someone. That guy who cut me off? He may be rude and suicidal, but probably not stupid. After all, he did have to pass his driver's exam, right?
I have seriously upgraded my use of adjectives to describe anything that vexes me, so that my kiddo will know that "stupid" isn't an all-purpose descriptive word. If the kiddo does use that word, I remind her that she isn't being nice, and encourage her to use more descriptive words when something upsets her.
Coming tomorrow: the stupid reason why we are discussing this word!
